A staff, a goat, and a hagraven
by jarhardar290
Summary: Ever wonder what happened in the twelve hours you lost when you did that drinking contest? Well now you finally know! Join The Dragonborn, that Sam guy, and Random Traveler in their journey all across Skyrim! Rated T for language, violence, and overall insaniay. And besides, nothing bad happens in that quest! It's not like you married a hagraven, right? Or did you?
1. Chapter 1

WARNING! The following fanfiction contains graphic scenarios, inappropriate language, and immoral behavior. How much better can it get!?

11:00pm, 5th of Evening Star

The Dragonborn was a dark elf, blonde hair, square jaw,soft yet firm feature. And he was a- let's just say he has "a hunger in his eyes". So anyway... He was in The Bee and Barb in Riften. He had received a drinking challenge from a man named Sam. He was in the middle of it when he began to feel very,very dizzy. "Hey you don't look to good..." DB( dragonborns name from now on.) covered his eyes, the room had lit up really bright. Like when he stepped outside in the day. Suddenly it was felt a strange sense of power and anarchy."who am I," he thought."why am I here?" Sam grinned, knowing he had another one in his grasp. "Hey you! That's right, you! Me and you are going on a trip!" Sam yelled. "Hell yeah! Wait, who are you?" DB asked, puzzled. "I'm... you're roommate! Yeah, we ummm... share a house in Wihterun!" The DB grunted and ran out the door. Sam dashed after him."here we go again!" He thought to himself.

11:05PM, 5th of evening Star

The dragonborn stepped out of the Bee and Barb, and ran over to a guard. "How's your knee, BITCH!?" He said, stabbing his knee with a arrow. The guard drew his sword, as did everyone else in the northern part of Riften. Sam saw this just as he exited the bar. "RUN!" DB and Sam dashed for the northern gate, smashing empty wine bottles over the head of everyone they saw along the way. They ran through the gates, and jumped on their horses. A Guard ran up and yelled at them."stop!you have committed crimes against skyrim and her people-" WINE BOTTLE IN'DA CROTCH SUKKA!" DB yelled back at him, riding off into the night.

11:20PM,5TH of Evening Star.

The weary traveler was walking in the night. It was cold, but not to cold. He was traveling to Riften from Iverstead. He was singing "song of the dragonborn". He was on the words" but a day shall arise, that the dark dragon's lies will be silenced forever and theeeeeen!"(I've pretty much memorized the entire translated version.) But as he as singing, he stated hearing hoofs from the east. He dove into a Bush. He equipped his bow, a dwarven one with AN (ancient Nord)arrows. There were two horses from the sound of it. But just as they passed by a weird animal call, more of a moaning/scream ripped through the air. He heard wings flapping. Wings. That was all he needed to send him into a trance of fear."oh shit no, not dying here,not dying here!" He let loose a arrow, peicerimg his underbelly. A surge of confidence came over him. If he could hurt a dragon, he could probably kill it. He dropped his bow, took out his dual ebony daggers, which his father had given to him. The two men on horses had dismounted and were fighting now. They eventually killed it, and he walked over to them. "Wow!thanks for killing that thing mister!" Suddenly riften guards appeared out of nowhere. Sam opened a portal somehow,"quick!,get in!" All three of them jumped into the portal.

1:30AM,6TH of Evening Star

The gang appeared in Rorikstead, looking around the small village. DB spotted a goat in a farmeres yard."howz about we steal that goat?"Sam and The Traveler had ran off, probably for some mead. He picked up the goat stealthy but it started "BAAAAHHHH" noises. The farmer heard this and ran out his house. " what the shittng bitchin hell are you doing with ma' goat!?" The DB started running away and jumped on his horse.

**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it. More chapters coming soon! This is my favorite quest other than the dark brotherhood one where you kill that kajiet caravan. So fun taking down groups... anyway I hope your laughing now! Read and review please!**


	2. CHEESE FOR EVERYONE

**hey I never thought I'd get around to updating this. Here's chapter two!:**

Dragonborn, sam, and the traveler escaped Rorikstead in a portal

Sam and the dragonborn fell out of the portal, rolling over until they stopped. Sam got up and helped dragonborn up. "Heyyyy... where'd the otherrrr guy go?" Sam looked confused and looked around. "I DID sneeze when I made the portal, so he might be in another oblivion plain..." Dragonborns eyes widened when he said that."ANOTHER? You mean we're in OBLIVION?!" "Yes my friend we are... buy I do wonder where he went..."

**MEANWHILE...**

"I don't see why people say your so bad! Your a nice fellow!" Our lost traveler said to the man opposite of him. "Thank you! People just don't like unpredictable things! They're BORING! BAH! Turn all the boringers into flowers! So I can give them to Nocty!" The strange man said, sipping his tea and laughing his head off. "I'm sorry, I seem to forgotten your name. What was it?" The man stood up and grinned. "I, am a part of you! I am in your mind, I am- what the hell I'm shegorath, Dadric Prince of madness and all that jazz. What's jazz? Bah. Care for some...CHEESE?!"

**sorry this is so short, but I have low battery and its 1:06 AM**

**Review helps a lot guys**


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